My family flew with two airlines on our recent trip. Fortunately, the bird strike happened with the second, because the first might have charged us an inconvenience fee for the experience of being imperiled. The second, on the other hand, was entirely helpful.
When we got back to the airport, all of the passengers rushed off of the plane so that they could schedule a different flight. Meanwhile, all of the facts that made my family’s early boarding necessary guaranteed that we couldn’t rush anywhere. We were the last Continue reading
I admit that I have a lot of irrational fears–plants, the sun, those disturbingly frequent times when my daughter looks like she’s forming a complicated plot–but I don’t think that my fear of flying is one of them. I understand how flying works–I know the physics–that’s why it scares me. When I look out my airplane window and see the plane’s wings wavering the Continue reading
I mentioned that I had recently assaulted a stewardess. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression, however; I’m not some sort of degenerate, even though an airplane restroom was involved. (Casually revealing details without context is amusing to me, in case you were wondering.) You see, I didn’t assault a stewardess in the airplane restroom; I assaulted her with the airplane restroom. Also, the restroom assaulted me first.
I suppose I should explain. Continue reading
Every time I get on a plane, something bad happens. I’m like a banshee for flights, or the air travel equivalent of Jessica Fletcher from Murder, She Wrote. (In the 80s and 90s, her arrival in any location meant someone was going to die there. People should have arranged for her to spend time around folks whom they didn’t like. I don’t know how she had friends; they usually became murder suspects.) If you see me in line at the airport, you’ll probably be well served by buying train tickets instead. Hire a sled-dog team if you Continue reading