Lawn Care or Mutually Assured Destruction, Part 5

Isn’t there a proverb about serving revenge cold?  I know that Khan uses it in Star Trek 2, which is evidence enough for me.  Maybe my lawn was quoting Khan.  The similarities are a bit disturbing, actually.  Both Khan and my lawn tended toward melodrama, both Khan and my lawn had superior intellects–albeit one was relative to what might normally be expected from grass–both Khan and my lawn enacted devastating and surprising Continue reading


Lawn Care or Mutually Assured Destruction, Part 4 (The End?)

I confess that I tell stories in manner that some might call “exaggerated.”  I prefer to think of it as “humorously emphasized,” but I’m not going to quibble right now.  The important matter is this: I’m not exaggerating the depths of absurdity to which my life recently fell.  Or, to put it in more impressive terms: what follows is a factual account of our lawn’s Continue reading

Lawn Care or Mutually Assured Destruction, Part 3

I think the Latin for “lawn mower” would be something like resecans agros (“that which cuts fields low”), although resecans agrorum (“the cutting low thing of the fields”) sounds cooler.  This is important to know because I seem to be starting a collection of them, or at least their remains.  When I pin them to a large board, I need to know what to put on the Continue reading

Lawn Care or Mutually Assured Destruction, Part 2

I think that someone should make disposable lawnmowers.  They could be made out of earth friendly materials, maybe recycled grass clippings even, and double as potting soil after use.  Or, as another possible solution, hardware stores could rent out thoroughly trained and very hungry goats.

Usually I lament how products nowadays aren’t built to last.  I wax poetic about how I wish I Continue reading