My sister suggested that I should use German instead of Latin.  Always eager to please, I tried, albeit by shoving together the words I could remember from German.  Sadly, I’m not sure “Butterfly hunter fist” is helpful to anyone.  (Assuming that’s actually what I said in that title.)

Wie sagt man das auf deutsch?  Ich habe keine Ahnung.  Mein Deutsch ist schlecht.  Das Internet ist wenig hilfreich.  (Which is hopefully something like “How do you say that in German?  I have no idea.  My German is terrible.  The internet isn’t helpful.”  If its something else, I apologize to my German readers and mostly blame Google.)

I could also sing the first and last lines of the first verse of Silent Night.  I like the word Himmlischer, but it seemed a bit pretentious to title a post “Heavenly.”  (Again assuming that’s what that word means.)

Either way, figuring out all of that German has taken up more of my half-hour than I’d like to admit.

Old habits are hard to break.  (I’m segueing now into a new topic.)  I haven’t gotten posts up several of days of the last week because old habits are hard to break.  Specifically, the tendency to edit and fuss over my writing.

Especially when a topic is complicated, important, or personal.  (And I’m exactly the sort of person to make most things complicated, to overstate their importance, and to take it all personally.)

I either can’t write anything because I’m…  something.  Something hindering.  Or I write things and am very deliberate and very slow, spending hours instead of minutes.  Then I don’t post anything because I’ve broken my own rules and feel bad about it.  Or, and this has also happened, I’m entirely too busy to spend even thirty minutes writing.  As far as I know, that last has only happened once.

So I miss days, and I feel bad about that too.  This ought to be an easy and liberating exercise.  Or at least it ought to be an easy exercise.  (As far as I know, perfectionists seldom feel liberated by lowering their standards, at least not at first.)  It isn’t.

I keep losing track of the point.  The point, at least for me, is not to write more, to be openly opinionated about more topics, to increase my influence or anything like any of those.  I would like to write more.  I would like it if my opinions mattered to other people as much as they do to me.  But all of those are…  something.  Something hindering.

At least for me, the point is to be faithful.  I think God wants me to write.  Or at least God has created me in such a way as to involve writing–I’m not necessarily good at it, and I clearly don’t do much of it, but I can’t not want to do it–so I want to give it back to him.  I just get in my own way.  So I started this whole quick sloppy post business as a way of circumventing my own obstacles.  Not that editing is bad, or that people shouldn’t offer to God what is good and polished….

But it’s better to offer something sloppy than nothing?  Or I can’t offer him something polished and good until I get my head oriented properly?

I don’t know.  It made sense when I started writing.  I might be able to sort it out with some deletion.  Sigh, the strange temptations we face.  (What an oddly self-absorbed exclamation.  I apologize to all the people in the world who face temptations both more serious and more meaningful than the temptation to delete.)

Avast!  (I needed a new exclamation.)

Achtung!  (That was for my sister.)

My time is up.  I will try my best to be back tomorrow.  (Dominus adiuvet me.)  (Because I still like Latin.)


2 thoughts on “Schmetterlingenjagerfaust

  1. If it helps anything, I feel ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME. =/ Not so much about German, of which I know less than enough to make a fool of myself with. But about being hindered or taking ages. About writing, and editing, and being one whom God intends to write.

    Also, I would advise you never to see your temptations as “lesser” in any scheme of things. As C.S. Lewis so wisely pointed out, the most deciding factor in whether we are good and faithful servants investing our talents wisely (or not) is the struggles waged and choices made by the truest self at the core of one’s person.
    If in one person that turmoil outs itself in the struggle to not kill anyone (else, even), then pray for Christ to overcome. If in another person, that selfsame Fallen turmoil outs itself in an inclination to perfectionism, it yet takes no less than Christ to triumph. Considering they both desperately require an equal Cure, it is not pretentious to call your temptations as serious and meaningful as any other–in fact, seen another say, it might even be thought prideful to say they were NOT.

    And now, having taken far too long tightening up the corners and attempting to clarify my meaning, I will post my comment. -_-

    • Thank you. I both appreciate your thoughts and would entirely agree with them in most circumstances. That is to say, I think that’s great advice and I can see myself passing it on to others while resisting it myself, so as to continue to feel badly about myself while trying to help others not feel badly about themselves. But of course I should agree with them in all circumstances and stop being, as you accurately put it, prideful. So thank you also for the reminder. 🙂

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