My sister suggested that I should use German instead of Latin. Always eager to please, I tried, albeit by shoving together the words I could remember from German. Sadly, I’m not sure “Butterfly hunter fist” is helpful to anyone. (Assuming that’s actually what I said in that title.)
Wie sagt man das auf deutsch? Ich habe keine Ahnung. Mein Deutsch ist schlecht. Das Internet ist wenig hilfreich. (Which is hopefully something like “How do you say that in German? I have no idea. My German is terrible. The internet isn’t helpful.” If its something else, I apologize to my German readers and mostly blame Google.)
I could also sing the first and last lines of the first verse of Silent Night. I like the word Himmlischer, but it seemed a bit pretentious to title a post “Heavenly.” (Again assuming that’s what that word means.)
Either way, figuring out all of that German has taken up more of my half-hour than I’d like to admit.
Old habits are hard to break. (I’m segueing now into a new topic.) I haven’t gotten posts up several of days of the last week because old habits are hard to break. Specifically, the tendency to edit and fuss over my writing.
Especially when a topic is complicated, important, or personal. (And I’m exactly the sort of person to make most things complicated, to overstate their importance, and to take it all personally.)
I either can’t write anything because I’m… something. Something hindering. Or I write things and am very deliberate and very slow, spending hours instead of minutes. Then I don’t post anything because I’ve broken my own rules and feel bad about it. Or, and this has also happened, I’m entirely too busy to spend even thirty minutes writing. As far as I know, that last has only happened once.
So I miss days, and I feel bad about that too. This ought to be an easy and liberating exercise. Or at least it ought to be an easy exercise. (As far as I know, perfectionists seldom feel liberated by lowering their standards, at least not at first.) It isn’t.
I keep losing track of the point. The point, at least for me, is not to write more, to be openly opinionated about more topics, to increase my influence or anything like any of those. I would like to write more. I would like it if my opinions mattered to other people as much as they do to me. But all of those are… something. Something hindering.
At least for me, the point is to be faithful. I think God wants me to write. Or at least God has created me in such a way as to involve writing–I’m not necessarily good at it, and I clearly don’t do much of it, but I can’t not want to do it–so I want to give it back to him. I just get in my own way. So I started this whole quick sloppy post business as a way of circumventing my own obstacles. Not that editing is bad, or that people shouldn’t offer to God what is good and polished….
But it’s better to offer something sloppy than nothing? Or I can’t offer him something polished and good until I get my head oriented properly?
I don’t know. It made sense when I started writing. I might be able to sort it out with some deletion. Sigh, the strange temptations we face. (What an oddly self-absorbed exclamation. I apologize to all the people in the world who face temptations both more serious and more meaningful than the temptation to delete.)
Avast! (I needed a new exclamation.)
Achtung! (That was for my sister.)
My time is up. I will try my best to be back tomorrow. (Dominus adiuvet me.) (Because I still like Latin.)