The radio and internet keep telling me that I’m under a “winter weather advisory.” Well, weather happens every day, and it’s winter here, so I was advised of winter weather by the calendar, thank you. This is even less meaningful than the “wintry conditions advisories” that I sometimes receive. Again, you don’t need to tell me that winter will be wintry. Warn me if winter will be summery; that would be meaningful.
Of course what they mean to say is that some of the intermittent dangers peculiar to winter might manifest soon, but it isn’t as though the catalog of those dangers is so vast that they can’t be specific. Tell me that I should expect snow and possibly ice. Tell me that it might be unusually cold. In short, actually predict the weather.
In the rainy season they don’t predict storms by issuing “Spring Weather” advisories, or warn of heat waves in July by issuing “Summer Weather” advisories, or warn of blustery gales around All Saints Day by issuing “Autumn Weather” advisories. Of course not, it would be silly. And also thus is the present.
How did this even start? Is the word snow so offensive that we needed a euphemism? I apologize to my readers for saying it, if it is. I should apologize to all of my friends and family for sending around that picture of the snowman my daughter made. Maybe that’s some sort ice related vulgarity, in which case Frosty is entirely inappropriate for children.
I suppose “Winter-Weather-y the Winter-Weather-Man” is hard to fit into a poem.
I’m dreaming of a Winter Weather Christmas,
just like the ones I used to know:
where the trees are affected by Winter Weather
and children listen
to hear sleigh bells in the Winter Weather.
Thus ends that.
In other news my daughter arrived at the most unusual solution today. She was laying on a blanket on our kitchen floor, and apparently underneath the blanket was a bib. Like the princess and the pea, she found this uncomfortable. She dug around under the blanket, pulled out the bib, and stuffed it down her pants instead, which was apparently more comfortable. I don’t remember that part of the fairy tale.