The Higgs Boson Faked the Moon Landing

I’m not a physicist.  I knew a physicist once, but that’s as close as I came.  However, the Higgs Boson Particle is a popular topic right now, and I felt like participating in the discussion.  I can’t promise that my additions will be either meaningful or helpful.

Ten Reasons to Hope They Haven’t Found the Higgs Boson Particle

10.) “Higgs Boson Particle” is an anagram for “Thing a gerbil scoops.”  Is that something we really want?  You can also use the letters to say, “Pigs change Sol’s orbit.”  Need I say more?

9.)  My wife is sick of hearing the conversations I have with my older brother about the “Standard Model.”  She’s actually sick of physics entirely; she once stormed out of dinner because of physical paradoxes.  (Not the paradoxes themselves, I suppose, but the fact that we kept discussing them.)

8.)  The people who demoted Pluto from a planet are probably excited about the Higgs Boson.  We should attempt to withhold any satisfaction from them until they agree to recognize Pluto’s rightful status.

7.)  Higgs bosons aren’t mentioned in either Star Trek or Star Trek: The Next Generation, therefore they must not be important, scientifically speaking.  They’re especially not mentioned in the Star Wars movies, although Midichlorians are, much to everyone’s chagrin.

6.) The word boson is practically a homophone for boatswain, even though their spellings are dramatically different.  It’s possible that that the word boatswain is the real trouble here, but as boatswains have already been discovered, there’s nothing to do about them now.

5.)  Every subject worth learning can be envisioned as a Broadway Musical.  No feature of the Higgs Boson topic makes for a good show tune, and I dread the idea of the dance number one might employ to signify mass.  (Although the colliding part could be funny.)

4.)  My daughter likes grapes.  Take that physicists!

3.)  If Higgs Boson Particles are discovered and studied, people will want to talk about them.  People are lazy, so they’ll eventually shorten the name to just “Higgs.”  How might one talk about multiples of them then?  “Higgs?”  “Higgses?”  “Higgsen?”  As always, the linguists and grammarians are the ones who suffer.

2.)  Scientists found molecules and started smashing them together.  They found atoms and started smashing them together.  They found subatomic particles and started smashing them together.  I don’t think they should be aloud to find more things; they can’t take care of the things they already have.  (Also they never invite me to the smashing.)

1.)  Apple has patented the shape of particles and the idea of mass.  Scientists can’t discover the Higgs Boson without infringing on those patents.


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