The Usual Fool’s Guide to Wisdom

Here are some famous or common sayings, adjusted slightly:

  • A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless you’ve been trying to get rid of it.
  • A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, but weak chains still hurt if you swing them fast enough.
  • A leopard cannot change its spots we suppose, but no one has ever found a leopard who wanted to try.
  • Actions speak louder than words, especially if they involve construction equipment.
  • All publicity is good publicity, says the stalker.
  • An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, assuming those are the correct dosage instructions
  • Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness, unless you don’t have a candle.
  • Blood is thicker than water, but less thirst quenching
  • Clothes make the man less naked, which is almost always better.
  • Don’t change horses in midstream unless your first horse dies; then it’s all right.
  • Fight fire with fire, because the worst case scenario for that is usually still a good show.
  • Fish and guests smell after three days if you kill them or don’t let them bathe, but the problem in both cases is you.
  • It’s no use crying over spilled milk, but good luck convincing a toddler of that.
  • Never judge a book by its cover; Amazon has customer reviews.
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  For example, why procrastinate tomorrow?
  • People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones at their houses.
  • Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one.  Isn’t fire grand?
  • Talk is cheap, but internet connectivity is pricey.
  • The bigger they are, the harder they fall, although their acceleration will be the same as that of smaller things if drag isn’t a factor.
  • The customer is always right in his own mind.
  • The early bird catches the worm, but worms aren’t much of an incentive.
  • The pen is mightier than the sword, but used less carefully.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most cat lovers don’t want to discuss them.
  • Time is a great healer and a great killer.  Time is diversely talented.
  • To the victor go the spoils, unless the victor has proper refrigeration.
  • When the cat’s away, the mice will play cards.  The cat cheats and is banned.
  • You are never too old to learn, but many are too young.
  • You can’t make an omelette with breaking eggs, because the low-cholesterol egg substitutes are too runny.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, because he’s too busy watching you flap around like an idiot.

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