It’s time for me to take a stand. People have been clamoring for my opinion; I have the civic duty to provide it. Clearly my ability to sustain this blog is evidence that I’m important, trustworthy and not at all self-inflated. Therefore, let it be known, I hereby support fire.
Perhaps I should explain. A few days ago I commented about how I wished my limbs could shoot fire. One of my readers asked the question that would go down in history as the beginning of a terrible controversy: “Why not shoot lasers instead?”
Soon factions formed, debates began, and a line was drawn in the proverbial sand. Our yard is mostly clay, so the actual line was drawn in some literal clay. Tempers flared. The sun also flared, but that was unrelated. (Although solar flares are more like fire than lasers, so maybe that was an endorsement as well.) The same question was on every mind: would it be better to shoot fire or lasers?
Well, ok, what really happened was that my wife and I talked about it for maybe a minute. That’s right, nearly an entire minute. Nevertheless, I can’t stay on the sidelines any longer, it’s time to join the fray. Below are some reasons why fire is clearly superior to lasers.
Reason #1: Fire’s Track Record is Unsurpassed
Since the beginning of its career in public service, fire has warmed the hearts and homes of millions, if not billions. It’s shone like a beacon in the nighttime, always brightest when the world around it seems darkest. Through everything it’s remained humble though, and isn’t above cooking a simple meal or lighting a lowly candle. Even more, it’s volunteered at every Olympics.
Lasers, on the other hand, haven’t warmed anyone, lit anything, or represented a single Olympics. In fact in most cases, lasers won’t even make an appearance unless a room is clogged with smoke or fog, like a veritable den of iniquity.
Reason #2: Fire is for Democracy
Fire’s platform has always been one of equal opportunity. It serves the rich, the poor, the weak, and the powerful, asking nothing in return but some yard waste or perhaps some charcoal. (Imagine wanting only coal, which is usually reserved for the naughty, even though it’s actually been nice.) Truly anyone can call on fire.
Lasers, on the other hand, are elitist. They only serve a few people, seldom do more than point, and nearly always want their services to be purchased. Not many people can call on lasers in ordinary situations. Even worse, the word laser is actually an acronym for “Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.” Only truly pretentious candidates refer to themselves by acronyms. Also, radiation is usually bad.
Reason #3: Fire Supports Programs for Everyone
If we judge trees by their fruit, then fire’s supremacy can be effectively illustrated by considering the sorts of programs that fire and lasers have supported. For more than a thousand years, fire has been an integral backer of fireworks, which are viewed and enjoyed by billions annually. Fire’s name was even attached to the project.
There are no comparable laserworks. While lasers try to claim involvement in things like Laser light shows, their presence is clearly out of place because it’s redundant. It would be like saying “ISBN number,” “ATM machine,” or “Please RSVP.” Their only actual accomplishment is laser pointers, a resource whose function can be effectively performed by a long stick.
Reason #4: Fire is Popular
While I don’t want to suggest that this serious rivalry is a trivial popularity contest, of the sort most commonly found in primary schools, we shouldn’t overlook the fact that fire has maintained its social status in spite of a changing world, which indicates both relevance and savvy. Everywhere one goes, one can hear talk about lighting a fire under someone, keeping home fires burning, and occasionally fires in holes.
In contrast, lasers are almost completely out of touch. People don’t get lasered up about topics. The roof is not on lasers. Donald Trump has never said, “You’re lasered.”
Clearly, fire is superior to lasers in nearly everyway. I would have trouble believing that we even had this discussion, except that I started it. Now it’s time to turn things over the people. That’s right, it’s time for a poll!